Read the Fineprint
by Ugly Narcissist
Summary: Sniper's wish is heard by the wrong ears...wrong, burly, manly ears. Saxton Hale/Sniper. Contains adult material, not for light of heart or sound of mind.


**Warning**: Contains adult language, anal ravaging, and an explosion of Australian manliness.

**Authors note**: This was a story I posted way back when on TF2Chan, right after the Jarate update. A funny thought turned into this. Please read, review, and enjoy.

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"Gaaaah!" The RED Sniper growled as he stomped around his sniping roost. What would have been a nice little picnic on the control point with Scout was ruined by that damn BLU Spy and his gravel! And if that wasn't bad enough, that Spy had the nerve to criticize his method of attack!

He picked up one of the various magazines that littered the ground of his room, flipping though the pages. Immediately, he recognized it to be the latest issue of the Mann Co. Catalog. "I wonder if you have anything that I could use on that BLU puffter!" After skimming through over half of the issue, he began to shake in frustration. "They have a whole section for Spies but not a bloody thing to get rid of 'em!"

Although the Sniper was a man fortified by the harsh wastelands of the Australian Outback and wouldn't pay any mind to what people had to say about him, he was pissed! Spies were complete assholes by default and he knew he shouldn't expect anything different, but it was the principle of the matter!

With a mighty kick, he caused a chair to fly across the room, "I'm SICK and TIRED of getting picked on by MEN MY OWN SIZE!" As the chair left the ground, he noticed a small article for something that will haunt one's enemies for the rest of their lives. Throwing bottles of…piss? To Sniper, he just struck the jackpot. "What's this? Jarate?"

"Did someone say Jarate?"

At that very moment, the wall to his side suddenly exploded, throwing Sniper on the floor. "What the hell?!" There was no scheduled battle today, so this was a complete surprise for the poor man.

As the smoke and debris cleared, the silhouette of a massive, burly man became visible as he stood in the newly-crafted doorway. "I can help you there, mate!"

Sniper stood up slowly, eyeing the figure in the door. His hand slowly pulled his aviators so they rested on the tip of his nose, trying to get a better look at this curious character. "Help…me? And who are you?"

The figure stepped closer and lingered under the sole lamp in the room, revealing the brawny, bulky chest of a fighting man. The eccentric choice of clothing was what caught Sniper's eye; it's not everyday you see a grown man clad in short shorts, bowling shoes, and an alligator-tooth hat. "Saxton Hale! CEO and Manly Australian, at your service!"

"Not the..." Sniper scratched his head, staring at the picture of Saxton Hale on the bottom page of his magazine. Indeed, it was a match. "It is you…what are you doing here of all places?"

Saxton pointed at Sniper, exclaiming, "Ain't everyday that a man wants to learn the crafty art of Jarate! I heard you were interested, and I ran all the way over here to help."

"Don't get me wrong, sir. I really do want to know more about this stuff," Sniper began, putting the magazine down on the table. "But how did you hear me? And how do I go about getting trained to throw bottles of piss?"

Saxton walked around the room, examining the pin-ups on the wall. "That isn't the important part. What we really need to do now is train you in this sacred art! So, you want to learn or not?"

'Either this bloke is a real nutter or the author just used an awfully unrealistic plot hole to get him in this room' the assassin though to himself. "Um…I guess. I'm up for anything that'll teach that Spy a thing or two. What do we do?"

Saxton turned his head and grinned, "That's the spirit, my lad! Let's start! SHEILA!" Suddenly, a wallaby hopped in through the hole in the wall and stopped by his leg. He bent down, reaching for something in her pouch before pulling out a medication bottle. "Here we are! First things first. You need to take two of these here Jarate Pills!"

To Sniper, that didn't sound like easy. "Okay, give 'em here." He reached out, expecting the strange man to hand him the pills. He certainly wasn't expecting to find himself bent over on the small table on the other side of the room, feeling Saxton's hand fumble with his belt. "Wait! What the hell are you doing!?" He attempted to pry the offending hand away, but met with failure.

"Don't be such a prude, how else do think you take these pills?"

"Oh I don't know? With my bloody mouth like every other fucking pill?!"

Saxton tsked, shaking his head, "Don't be silly! Saxton Hale's Jarate Pills are solely suppository, so we need to put these pills in your bum for them to work! It's a science thing, don't worry. As the inventor, I'm a professional…"

Although it did sound fishy to Sniper, the man seemed to know what he was doing and was pretty confidant about it. Hale didn't strike him as being the smartest bull in the rodeo, but this Jarate was the only way to show that Spy what's what. "Okay, just don't be all gay about it."

"Wouldn't dream of it!" Saxton yanked the pants down around Sniper's ankles before opening the medicine bottle. He pulled out two walnut-sized pills, throwing the bottle over his shoulder before lowering his hand to the other man's puckered entrance. "Ready?"

Only thing Sniper could do was nod. He felt something cold and rather sizeable pushed inside of him, his muscles resisting a little before settling down. In all of his years, he never had a suppository before. He'd imagined the whole affair as a very painful procedure: to his surprise, it was more uncomfortable and awkward than excruciating. He barely noticed when the second one slipped in, joining the other one on the inside. "That's all the pills that I need?"

Saxton nodded, "Yup, only two pills in the beginning, and you don't need to take any more ever again."

Grinning, Sniper began to push is body off of the table. "At least that part's over with. What do w-" In an instant, he felt something else pressed against his opening. Something warm, and defiantly not the size of a walnut. "Wha-"

"These pills got to get good and deep in there to work properly!"

Sniper, for lack of a better and more masculine term, panicked. "Oookay, I am not this desperate to learn Jarate, thank you very much!" As he tried to stand up, Saxton's palm met the back of his head and pushed him flat on the table. "I said no! No means no, wanker!"

"No turning back now, mate! Just lay back for a few minutes or hours and ride it out like a man!" Saxton replied as he plunged his smoldering man-girth into the ass in front of him. No lube, no restraint.

Sniper, for lack of a better and more masculine term, produced a shrill scream as the other man plowed into him. His hands tried to claw at the table to pull his body away from the assault, but to no avail. Saxton had a tight hold on his back, but any sensation of that was totally dulled down by the throbbing in his ripped behind. He closed his eyes and grimaced while he grunted in pain.

As the scene continued, Saxton bit his lip as he pounded Sniper's ass with beastly vigor. He enjoyed the evident tightness around his cock, caused by the other man's lack of experience and the swelling. His free hand clawed into Sniper's hip, plunging himself into deeper territory. It may have been too tight for his massive shlong if it hadn't been for all the blood, which slicked his cock up good and fine while it dripped down Sniper's thighs.

There was no tenderness towards or enjoyment from the poor Sniper, how gritting his teeth as he tried his best not to cry. His voice was growing horse at every cry and protest he made, his one hand reaching for the kukri on chair in front of him. If he could reach that, he could kill this Mann Co. prick and end the whole business.

Just as his fingers brushed the leather sheave of the weapon, Sniper suddenly felt his wrist being grabbed and twisted behind his back. Oh, damn.

"Just a few more…almost…almost…ALL MOOOST!" A few grunts and one particularly violent thrust later, Sniper felt the member being pulled out of his behind. His hole was not throbbing with pain, and though he knew that sitting was going to be no easy task for the next couple of days, the worst of it was over.

But just as he sighed with relief, Saxton suddenly made a loud grunt of orgasm like the mighty bear. He then felt an explosion of liquid rain down on his soar ass.

Eeeeeewww!

Sniper's exposed ass was covered in sweat and Australian man juices, his body still draped over the table from exhaustion and shock. A few seconds later, he turned his head towards the man behind him, muttering, "Was all that really necessary?"

"Of course! Because I'm Satxon Hale! A man! Oh, here's your trophy like I promised in the ad!" He pulled a small golden cup from out of his hat and place it on the table next to man he violated. Sniper barely turned his body when he saw the wallaby hop upon Saxton Hale's shoulders. Before the burly man jumped through the hole in the wall, he could distinctly hear the words, "Thank you for shopping from Mann Co.! We hope to see you agaaaaaaaain!"

Sniper staggered over to the open wall, almost tripping on the pants pooled around his ankles. He didn't know what he expected to find, but he saw no sign of any crazed CEOs anywhere.

Pulling his pants up, he slowly walked back to the table. He held them up with one hand as the other grabbed the magazine. His eyes squinted as he focused on some barley-legible fine print on the corner of the page. Thanks to his trained eyes, he read the words 'Warning: The Saxton Hale Jarate Pills are a suppository that require anal sex to be activated. Sucks to be you!'

"Aw, piss."

After hearing someone run up the rickety staircase to the roost, Sniper quickly finished putting on his pants. Just as he slipped the buckle in place, the door was kicked wide open. Scout stood in the frame, holding a bag over his head with a stupid grin on his face, "Hey asshole! Guess who went out and bought us some TACOS?!"

The End


End file.
